It was a usual cold night in the latter half of the year in Long Island New York. A dive bar near the shore of the Atlantic Ocean was packed to the brim with both Drunkards and locals looking for a good show. Tonight's viewing was an exotic-looking Hispanic silver-skinned woman with white hair pole dancing while spinning upside down and letting her golden top fall from her body. While most of the men Oogled the beautiful woman, a Man in dark clothes with purple hair was knocking back a full bottle of 1800 brand Tequila he casually plucked from the shelf.
As he drank, the bartender approached him. "I Saw that... Listen, buddy, between you and me? Whatever you're running from isn't at the bottom of that bottle, what say you go and enjoy the show with the pretty girl eh? For a newbie, she ain't half bad!" He offered as Darkness put money for the bottle of tequila on the table. "I'm not HERE for the show." He responded as he kept drinking. The bartender just looked at him with a stern look. "Then go see the sights? Regardless, I'm cutting you off, nobody who drinks that much that fast is looking out for their health!" He replied. The man nodded. "Well, when you're right you're right... Truth be told I'm actually here for that guy." He said as he nodded his head toward a morbidly obese man with messy blonde hair snickering at some pictures.
"Albert Farley, real piece of work that one... Just got out of the slammer early after the molestation and murder of a six-year-old boy... All on Daddy's money, they say the cops can't touch or pursue him legally." He finished as he looked at the bartender while pointing a Colt .45 behind him. "But I can," he said as he fired instantly into Albert's shoulder, watching his blood spill. The bodyguards near him pulled out their guns, only for the dancer on the pole to reach under the floorboard for a pair of silver-plated submachine guns and open fire into them while their backs were turned.
The man chuckled and nodded to the dancer as he walked over to Albert, who was crawling away. He put a barstool over Albert's head so that he was trapped between the legs and took a seat. Black tendrils sprouted from his back and held Albert's arms and legs out tight. "Hello there Al, my name is Darkness... At least that's what I go by... You've been a VERY bad boy, haven't you? Couldn't just keep your hands out of the cookie jar... so someone put a mouse trap in it." He said as Al began to scream. "PLEASE! ANYTHING YOU WANT! I'M GOOD FOR IT! WHOEVER SET THIS UP I CAN MATCH AND DOUBLE IT!" He begged frantically. Darkness chuckled and shook his head. "Sorry buddy, this one ain't about the money..." He responded as he opened fire repeatedly into Al's Torso until the body went limp. The tendrils on Darkness' back faded away as he got up.
Darkness put away his handgun and grabbed his tequila bottle while calling for the dancer who hopped in his arms and smiled. Darkness just looked at the shaking bartender who cowered behind the bar. "Sorry for the Damages man, I'm sure you know Mr. Capryse? Give his people a call, they'll settle ya up nice, plus a bonus!" He offered while heading out to his Purple 1970 Dodge Challenger. The Dancer hopped in through the passenger side window and slid into a sky-blue dress and a pair of white heels as she reapplied her make-up.
"So, Where to Derek?" She asked as she looked into the vanity mirror. Darkness just sighed and shook his head. "Silver if you're going to come along on these, it's DARKNESS When on mission." He said. Silver reached over and bonked the back of his head. "I'm your WIFE! I'll call you what I like! Besides it's just us! Who's gonna know?" She asked as Darkness rolled his eyes. "Much like you treat all guns like they're loaded, you treat all secret identities like they are secret." He explained, causing her to shake her head. "Yeah yeah yeah, let's just finish up and hit the Club! I don't want to miss Lyte's show!" She exclaimed. "Don't you mean Lisa?" Teased Darkness as he laughed when Silver smacked him harder.
It was about nine in the evening as Darkness pulled up to a nice light blue-painted upper-middle-class suburban house. he walked through the white picket-fenced gate and through the door. Darkness headed to the dining room and noticed that the beauty of the outside of the house had been deceiving the inside, there were clothes scattered, the smell of stale cigarette smoke and alcohol filled the room, and frames of pictures of a nearing middle-aged, slightly overweight man holding his young son were all punched through. "It's done." Said Darkness calmly to a man drinking a bottle of scotch. A briefcase was slid over to him. Darkness reached out to grab it before the man grabbed his wrist and turned to face him.
What was once the man in all of those pictures was now a beyond-overweight man. his eyes had sagging dark circles under them. and he was dressed in a sheriff's outfit. "Six years ago, I'd have arrested you for what you did... Yet here I am now, paying the very thing I swore to protect this city from... Truly god has abandoned me." He said as he let Darkness go. Darkness just grabbed the case and sighed. "I can't heal the past, We can only look to the future." He responded as he walked out the door, the sound of a gunshot echoing inside the house. "...Well... I can" He said somberly while walking to the car.
As Darkness drove, he looked at the briefcase. Even after all the jobs he had taken, ones like these made the money feel heavier. Silver just put a hand over his shoulder. "Come on dear, let's hit the club, I'm sure your sister will provide better entertainment than that musty old bar." She said as she kissed his cheek. Darkness nodded and kissed her back. "Thank you, Silver. I love you my Flawless one." He told her, causing her to giggle as they drove off to enjoy the night.
Okay, we're off to a good start with introducing the characters. The bartender has more character than most main characters I know of (a former friend of Hella's and mine); he's doing his job but knows Darkness is running from his issues and tells him drinking will not solve his problems.
ReplyDeleteAnd we find out Darkness is after a fat fuck who is a pedophile. God, I cringed hard. This is not a criticism of your writing but reading that made me shudder and, realistically, people like that would be in this place.
I love how Darkness casually shoots him publicly and Silver stops her pole dancing to join in on the action. This must take place in a crapsack world where law enforcement is crap. It's like this in Verdant Hawk, too, which is why the police are useless. But it's good to see Silver act as back-up for Darkness.
So we see the use of Darkness's aura here and how he's not willing to spare Al's life or bargain with him. He tells the bartender about Mr. Capyrse and how he can reimburse him for the damages done.
I love the interactions between Silver and Darkness. He corrects her to call him Darkness, but she calls him by his birthname or wallet name because she's his wife. It's interesting to see this spat between them. Let's face it: couples argue and fight. It seems like Silver keeps Darkness's head out of the clouds and knows how important Lyte's shows are to her.
Ah, so Darkness visited the former (or retired?) police officer confirmed my suspicions and he has to pay Darkness to right all wrongs. I love how he gets a glimpse into the client's life and how much it deteriorated since the loss of his son. I guess now that the job is done, he ended it and can go into the afterlife with some peace of mind. A tragic tale.
It seems like this is heavily weighing on Darkness and Silver picks up on this. Seeing Lyte's show will be good but it won't heal anything and Darkness has to look within. I am eager to see his journey. This is much better than the last.
Thank you so much! Because of you I feel I have the mental clarity to say what I could not before! Yes Darkness has some work to do on himself, He'll never stop drinking, but we will cover it better than just what I had before! I cannot WAIT to show off the new and improved Lyte! I think you'll be surprised to see how she is NOW!
DeleteKicking off with a great start here! Opening on a cold night in a dive bar in Long Island sets the dark and gritty vibe and tone of this story right away! The silver-skinned woman is in the spotlight while the purple-haired man is shrouded in mystery and sadness. We can immediatly get the sense that he feels he's lost it all and has nothing more to lose, snatching bottles from the bar and downing them. It's nice that rather than getting angry at him, the Bartender approaches him from a place of kindness and understanding instead. In his line of work, he would deal with alcholics and be more patient and understanding of them than most people.
ReplyDeleteInterestingly he's not here for the show like everyone else, but here for the morbidly obese man at the bar... and on an important mission. Yikes. It's wild that people like this exist out there and they totally would be in a place like this. I love how he just casually fires at him lol, revealling to us that this man is a vigilante assassin on a mission to clean up the scum of this world because the law has failed them.
I love how the mood immediatly shifts here when that bullet is fired and the poledancer does a 180, turning into a killer firing machineguns at them lol. These two are working together and planned this togehter undercover and she isn't a real poledancer lol! Yeah, killing him with a gun alone wouldn't be justice enough! I love how things take another turn with the reveal of supernatural themes here with the black tendrils coming from the man. This is a great set up and way to introduce our main characters here! Darkness' introduction was Albert's farewell lol.
Darkness seems to have connections in the underworld and is in the loop as he knows Mr. Capryse is connected to this bar and can clean it up. I love how you establish the relationship between Darkness and Silver here and that they're not only partners in crime, but husband and wife as she calls him by his legal/wallet name and this is a great reveal for that and his name! I love their banter and teasing and that they're on their way to see his sister Lyte/Lisa's show together!
Excellent improvement here on your setting descriptions! The state of this house paints a picture of the state of the resident. Stable and presentable on the outside, decaying on the inside since the loss of his son. I'm impressed by how well you handled this scene and how this mans' life story is summaried here in just a few paragraphs. "He said as he let Darkness go" could be taken literally and figurtively. Now that he finally got his justice, he can let go of this darkness he was holding onto. The sound of the bullet from inside the house as Darkness left took me for a loop and was a tragic, but impactful scene.
This is heavily weighing on Darkness, but he doesn't want to let on and Silver is trying to take his mind off it and lift him up again with some Lyte. I look forward to meeting Lyte in the next one! Excellent job, dude! This is a good and strong start and a MUCH better improvement to the last! I enjoyed reading this a lot!
Thank you SO much! And especially thank you for all your encouragement, criticism and advice! I am having way more fun as a writer now than I have in the past! I cannot wait to show the new world I'm crafting!
Delete